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missions off the couch and stuff trying to find the stupid little thing because yeah,
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it’s just where’s the remote control?
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Oh yeah.
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And why is it always how does the remote control get under the couch in the first place?
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No idea.
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It’s like we got a duct tape that thing to a table or something.
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Yeah,
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I think that’s probably when I get the angry.
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Yes.
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It seems like some of it,
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it’s that anger is always that secondary emotion,
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right?
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It’s like you start off,
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you’ve got the anxiety and then the anxiety leads to the anger.
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You may be one choice away from a thriving marriage.
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Welcome to the operation driving marriage podcast with brian and jennifer harman.
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Yeah.
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Hey sweetheart,
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we’re back in the studio for another recording of the podcast.
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How you feeling about things.
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Hey doing great over here.
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So thanks for listening in friends and today.
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What we’re going to be doing is talking about how we can manage anger and not that anyone ever has problems with anger.
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No,
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never,
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never a problem in any kind of a relationship,
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let alone a marriage.
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You know,
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I know some families were,
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unfortunately it’s characterization of the family or the marriage is anger and that causes the anger and a lot of baggage that then comes from the anger.
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So certainly got to make sure that’s handled inappropriate kind of ways.
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Yeah,
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It’s crazy,
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right?
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People have different attitudes about anger and stuff but it’s almost cliche that you’ve got the mad parent,
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right?
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We love watching superhero shows and at least I do.
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And jen watches them with me,
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it’s all good,
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it’s almost cliche,
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you’ve got the angry parent all the time,
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right?
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It’s just,
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it seems like people expect someone in a marriage to always be angry and that’s a problem because these are the fictitious tv shows,
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but I think that that’s pouring over just into our collective kind of psyche,
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just as to some of our expectations of how things should be,
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but I think God has a lot better for us than having one person in the marriage,
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he’s always angry or both,
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you know,
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we need to be following God and live the way he wants us to live and it’s certainly not living into anger,
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right?
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People will try to excuse it,
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right,
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it’s like,
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well jesus got mad writer singer,
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there’s a,
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there’s a meme that’s been going around for a while that says,
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hey,
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um you know,
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the whole,
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what would jesus do or be like jesus remember that turning over tables and chasing people out of the building with a whip is within the realm of possibility,
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it’s like,
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okay,
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yeah,
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but that’s so out of context because jesus had a specific reason and this idea of,
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oh I’m just going to be angry and just gotta put up with my anger,
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that that’s scary,
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I mean,
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I think really,
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especially in families,
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like with kids,
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it’s like if mom or dad’s always mad,
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it’s just,
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it’s kind of scary to always be dealing with anger Yeah,
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it’s definitely an environment that would produce a lot of anxiety there and uh,
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you know,
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again,
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jesus would be the embodiment of what the perfect Godly anger would be like,
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I think that even when he was turning over tables in the temple that was under control,
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but you know,
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brian,
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what are some things that would make you angry?
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So we’re going to go there episode two and we’re already going,
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oh,
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I’m in trouble now.
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I think this is an obvious one obviously.
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Well for you because you watched me deal with it so much,
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I get so stressed.
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So first of all,
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for the listeners,
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I’m an army brat,
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grew up,
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my dad was in the army 21 years and timeliness has been a thing my whole life.
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It’s like,
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no,
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you are not late to anything.
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I like being on time.
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I didn’t say you didn’t like being on time,
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somebody who’s running late,
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but you don’t experience anxiety for when we’re running late.
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So that wasn’t,
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that’s true.
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That is true.
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That was not a slam.
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I get really anxious about timeliness and when it’s time to go and something that just makes me so angry is when we have to take something with us or we can’t find something that bothers me in general,
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the kids are coming up to me saying,
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I can’t find my Pokemon card or my case for my glasses,
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whatever it is,
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it’s like if you would just put things away where they belong then we’re going there brian,
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we would not be searching all over the house for this thing.
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But in fairness in fairness I get just as mad at me as I do it.
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Anyone else about this?
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Right.
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So I think you get madder at you when you can’t find something.
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It’s just I mean everyone is just dad brian is on the warpath here turning pulling cushions off the couch and stuff trying to find the stupid little thing because yeah,
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it’s just where’s the remote control?
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Oh yeah.
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And why is it always how does the remote control get under the couch in the first place?
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No idea.
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It’s like we got duct tape,
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that thing to a table or something.
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Yeah,
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I think that’s probably at least at home.
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That’s probably when I get the angriest I think.
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And it seems like some of it it’s that the anger is always that secondary emotion,
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right?
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It’s like you start off you’ve got the anxiety and then the anxiety leads to the anger.
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That or we’re going to talk about this later podcast.
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Right,
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expectations.
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I expect.
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I told you the remote control always goes on this table.
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I don’t think I’ve ever seen a remote control on that table.
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But that’s where the remote control expectations.
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Right?
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The cat moved it.
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Sure,
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sure.
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Yeah,
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the cat moved it because she was trying to turn on the aquarium to watch her cat tv something like that in that sense.
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I’ve got to be honest though,
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my emotion gets the better of me sometimes and I’ve got to get things under control.
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But anger is not always bad.
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Oh no,
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I would say that anger is certainly not the bad thing about it because the natural emotion,
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everybody is going to experience some anger and a lot of that,
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it’s coming from something else.
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Again,
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it’s triggered by some anxiety or some fear.
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And anger is that response and kind of manifestation to kind of help protect from that initial emotion that’s there.
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So what isn’t bad is the anger in and of itself?
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But if it’s mishandled,
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that’s when the anger is going to be a bad thing.
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Yeah.
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Even even God,
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when we look at scripture,
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God got angry.
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I mean look at the profits.
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My God,
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she got really angry at Israel for their idolatry.
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Sure he called it,
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I mean he called their idolatry adultery.
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You know,
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at one point he even says,
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look I’m divorcing you.
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I mean God divorced Israel because he was so mad at them because they were doing the wrong thing.
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So feeling anger and when things ought not be so or we think about different situations in the world,
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when we watched the news,
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we see things that ought not be so,
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it’s okay to feel angry.
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And I mean going back to the illustration of the beginning,
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right jesus is chasing people out of the temple because the money changers and all those people in the temple,
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they were keeping people from God.
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They were trying to force people away from from God and not experience the fullness of the experience of God and it ought not be so.
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And jesus,
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yeah,
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I’m angry about this because it ought not be so.
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But also I would say to when you look at God in the old testament,
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sometimes people will kind of come up with this misnomer of God in the old testament is angry,
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but God and the new testament is loving and that’s not true because God has always been loving and I love how he describes himself in exodus as being so loving and gracious and slow to anger and that’s something that we should be emulating,
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because if anybody can do the angry scorched the earth,
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it is literally God,
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but that’s not who he is,
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that’s not in his character and not that he can’t act and punish for these sins as he has certainly done in the old testament as you were talking about in Isaiah and Jeremiah,
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but he’s always here,
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he always loves us and he always provides that redemption and that’s particularly the case by sending jesus to us.
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I think that’s a good point,
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you’re right,
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because I mean,
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it’s easy to go off about the angry God and that’s even a cliche,
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right?
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The people have tried to claim there’s two different gods and the bible old testament,
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New testament,
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this is about marriage,
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not about theology.
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So I’ve got to watch myself.
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But yeah,
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you’re right.
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And that’s important to bring out because also when you look at the profits,
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you don’t just see God’s anger.
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You see God’s sadness and feeling of betrayal.
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But it’s also,
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you know,
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his love,
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him wanting to reach out and bring back people to what’s going on.
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Let’s talk about managing our anger though,
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because I think that there’s a passage in Ephesians that really is important for this,
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but I think it’s something that people don’t always understand completely.
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I’m going to read this passage then what we’ll talk about a little bit Ephesians,
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um Chapter four,
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starting in verse 26,
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it says be angry and do not sin.
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Do not let the sun go down on the cause of your anger.
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Do not give the devil an opportunity.
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Some translations don’t say the cause of your anger just says don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
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That’s an interesting passage because it presumes you will get angry,
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right?
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We all do.
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Yeah,
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we’re going to get angry.
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So it’s presumed that you can get in this passage by the way,
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it’s not just talking about anger.
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That’s one of the things I think is really important too because we’re talking about managing anger and marriage.
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But if you took this literally,
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like some people say this literally is how you have to manage anger in your marriage.
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And so you can’t go to bed,
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you can’t go to sleep until you resolve this issue because you’re giving a devil’s foothold.
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Well,
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if that’s true,
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then this is not talking about marriage is not a marriage passage in Ephesians,
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that would mean any time you were angry with anyone over anything,
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it’s like you’ve got to pick up a call phones.
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Like you can’t go to sleep until we resolve this issue,
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right?
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And that wouldn’t be the case.
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It seems like you were saying that again,
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it’s kind of the don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
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That’s not something that’s unique to the apostle paul,
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is that right?
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Yeah,
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it was an idiom.
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So,
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and that’s the way it should be taken.
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It’s more proverbial paul wasn’t giving a command from God thou shalt not.
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He’s talking about good principles and good ideas that,
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hey,
247
00:10:00,390 –> 00:10:02,560
don’t let your anger keep going.
248
00:10:02,940 –> 00:10:04,040
And we’ve seen this,
249
00:10:04,040 –> 00:10:04,240
right?
250
00:10:04,240 –> 00:10:06,290
When people don’t resolve their anger,
251
00:10:06,290 –> 00:10:07,580
their upset at something.
252
00:10:07,590 –> 00:10:09,550
Um we’ve seen it’s just,
253
00:10:09,560 –> 00:10:13,050
it gets worse and worse and it just builds and it festers.
254
00:10:13,060 –> 00:10:14,730
So it seems like a lot of it,
255
00:10:14,730 –> 00:10:18,790
it’s just saying I like to use the term don’t marinate in your anger.
256
00:10:18,800 –> 00:10:20,520
Um you know,
257
00:10:20,530 –> 00:10:25,030
you don’t want that to just get soaked up into you because if you were talking about that,
258
00:10:25,030 –> 00:10:28,760
you’re marinating a piece of chicken that you’re going to cook for dinner.
259
00:10:28,840 –> 00:10:33,210
It takes on that marinade and you just can’t get it off.
260
00:10:33,220 –> 00:10:35,850
But the good news is with anger,
261
00:10:35,860 –> 00:10:39,330
christ can supernaturally remove that from us.
262
00:10:39,330 –> 00:10:47,030
But let’s not do the damage to ourselves by festering and marinating in that to try to give that the devil a foothold.
263
00:10:47,030 –> 00:10:52,460
Because I’d say two if I get mad at you and I’m angry with you at nine o’clock in the morning,
264
00:10:52,460 –> 00:10:53,370
I can’t just say,
265
00:10:53,380 –> 00:10:53,720
oh,
266
00:10:53,720 –> 00:11:00,620
I’m going to revel in this and I’m gonna be really mad at you and then I’ll try to resolve things a half hour before the sun goes down.
267
00:11:00,620 –> 00:11:02,380
That that’s not what this is saying.
268
00:11:02,380 –> 00:11:04,540
It’s saying don’t let this fester,
269
00:11:04,540 –> 00:11:05,530
that’s not gonna work very well.
270
00:11:05,540 –> 00:11:15,170
And I also that point about not giving the devil a foothold because you really do give the anger power over you when you let it fester,
271
00:11:15,170 –> 00:11:15,500
right?
272
00:11:15,510 –> 00:11:17,410
When you just marinated it.
273
00:11:17,410 –> 00:11:18,190
As you were saying,
274
00:11:18,200 –> 00:11:21,620
you give that anger power and control over you.
275
00:11:21,630 –> 00:11:23,020
When our kids were little,
276
00:11:23,030 –> 00:11:26,000
you’re teaching toddlers not to have temper tantrums,
277
00:11:26,000 –> 00:11:31,260
teaching them how to deal with their emotions and their feeling things and they just don’t know what they’re feeling or how to deal with it.
278
00:11:31,440 –> 00:11:34,620
We would always tell them when they were getting angry and stuff like,
279
00:11:34,620 –> 00:11:34,900
hey,
280
00:11:34,910 –> 00:11:36,950
you’ve got to control your emotions,
281
00:11:36,950 –> 00:11:38,540
don’t let your emotions control,
282
00:11:38,540 –> 00:11:39,490
You know,
283
00:11:39,490 –> 00:11:44,120
and we never want to say it’s not okay to feel emotions because that’s repression,
284
00:11:44,120 –> 00:11:45,830
that’s something that’s unhealthy and wrong.
285
00:11:45,840 –> 00:11:48,710
Your emotions aren’t in and of themselves bad.
286
00:11:48,720 –> 00:11:55,660
They’re a response that you’re having to a situation but we can’t let those emotions control us.
287
00:11:55,740 –> 00:11:56,920
Oh absolutely.
288
00:11:56,920 –> 00:11:58,830
I think it’s wise to separate.
289
00:11:58,840 –> 00:12:10,300
I am so angry at this entire person versus I’m angry or I’m frustrated about a situation that we’re trying to resolve because we always talk about the idea of team marriage.
290
00:12:10,300 –> 00:12:11,560
We’re on the same team,
291
00:12:11,560 –> 00:12:13,190
we win or we lose together.
292
00:12:13,190 –> 00:12:17,780
There’s no winner or loser between the two of us because if one is saying I’m the winner,
293
00:12:17,780 –> 00:12:18,630
the other one’s a loser,
294
00:12:18,630 –> 00:12:19,000
guess what?
295
00:12:19,000 –> 00:12:20,460
You both lost the marriage?
296
00:12:20,460 –> 00:12:21,100
Just both of us.
297
00:12:21,110 –> 00:12:24,160
But I think even that I even like the language better.
298
00:12:24,160 –> 00:12:25,520
I’m feeling angry.
299
00:12:25,530 –> 00:12:30,220
Feeling anger in the mantis character in Garden of the Galaxy Volume two,
300
00:12:30,220 –> 00:12:32,380
she talks about how feelings she controls emotions.
301
00:12:32,380 –> 00:12:32,630
Anyway,
302
00:12:32,630 –> 00:12:32,930
okay,
303
00:12:32,930 –> 00:12:34,710
I geek out on the bible and on marvel.
304
00:12:34,720 –> 00:12:35,120
You know,
305
00:12:35,120 –> 00:12:39,430
you feeling anger because when you say I am angry now,
306
00:12:39,430 –> 00:12:42,940
you’re even using language of identity and it’s not I’m not anger.
307
00:12:42,940 –> 00:12:43,900
I am not my anger.
308
00:12:43,910 –> 00:12:47,760
I feel my anger and that’s something that is part of me,
309
00:12:47,760 –> 00:12:51,520
but just as much as my finger is part of my finger is not me.
310
00:12:51,530 –> 00:12:55,180
But it’s an aspect of me and my anger if I should lose my anger,
311
00:12:55,180 –> 00:12:59,270
I don’t become less of me and I think that sometimes people who fester in their anger,
312
00:12:59,280 –> 00:13:04,560
they become so identified with their anger that they can’t separate what they’re feeling from who they are,
313
00:13:04,570 –> 00:13:04,930
right?
314
00:13:04,930 –> 00:13:12,360
And I think anger being an emotion and feeling that for very specific reasons as opposed to anger becoming part of your character.
315
00:13:12,370 –> 00:13:14,580
And that’s something that you certainly don’t want.
316
00:13:14,580 –> 00:13:17,440
You don’t want to be characterized by anger.
317
00:13:17,450 –> 00:13:20,570
You don’t want anger to be a part of what your character is.
318
00:13:20,570 –> 00:13:21,940
But I do think sometimes where it’s like,
319
00:13:21,940 –> 00:13:22,210
hey,
320
00:13:22,210 –> 00:13:24,940
I’m angry about this particular situation,
321
00:13:24,950 –> 00:13:28,900
it’s sometimes it is wise to say we’re going to table this discussion,
322
00:13:28,910 –> 00:13:31,840
we’re going to enjoy each other’s company even.
323
00:13:31,850 –> 00:13:39,570
And we’re just going to sleep on this and then we’re going to wake up in the morning and we’re going to set aside time where we can really tash this out and resolve this matter.
324
00:13:39,570 –> 00:13:42,140
But you need to make sure you’re being proactive about that,
325
00:13:42,150 –> 00:13:43,520
especially in a marriage.
326
00:13:43,530 –> 00:13:43,940
Absolutely.
327
00:13:43,940 –> 00:13:47,120
And I think that a big part of that is because of the physiology of anger,
328
00:13:47,130 –> 00:13:49,580
because of what our bodies do.
329
00:13:49,580 –> 00:13:55,070
And it’s pretty consistent for most people that mean the details may be different.
330
00:13:55,070 –> 00:13:57,440
But this is all starts in our limbic system.
331
00:13:57,440 –> 00:13:59,210
It’s all a response,
332
00:13:59,220 –> 00:14:02,560
a chemical response in our brain to a stimulus,
333
00:14:02,570 –> 00:14:03,420
expectations,
334
00:14:03,420 –> 00:14:05,240
Something happened and responding.
335
00:14:05,240 –> 00:14:10,260
And anger is often because of that fight or flight reaction is being triggered.
336
00:14:10,440 –> 00:14:15,460
And so now our body is being flooded with the chemicals that prepare us for action.
337
00:14:15,470 –> 00:14:19,680
So our capillary swell our blood starts pumping and I don’t know about you,
338
00:14:19,680 –> 00:14:21,920
but I can feel it when I’m really,
339
00:14:21,920 –> 00:14:22,780
really angry.
340
00:14:22,780 –> 00:14:26,760
I can feel my heart start racing,
341
00:14:26,760 –> 00:14:28,640
feel the vein popping in your forehead.
342
00:14:28,650 –> 00:14:28,760
Well,
343
00:14:28,760 –> 00:14:28,870
no,
344
00:14:28,870 –> 00:14:29,470
you see that?
345
00:14:29,470 –> 00:14:30,140
But I don’t feel that.
346
00:14:30,140 –> 00:14:30,700
Okay.
347
00:14:30,710 –> 00:14:33,270
I’m glad you don’t feel that because it looks painful.
348
00:14:33,280 –> 00:14:34,200
It must be scared.
349
00:14:34,210 –> 00:14:36,700
But I can feel my blood pressure rising.
350
00:14:36,700 –> 00:14:41,540
I can feel myself getting angry and a couple of things that I notice.
351
00:14:41,550 –> 00:14:42,670
I grit my teeth,
352
00:14:42,680 –> 00:14:45,780
I start gritting my teeth and I start doubling up my fists.
353
00:14:45,790 –> 00:14:50,040
It’s like my body is responding to that I’m ready to fight.
354
00:14:50,050 –> 00:14:50,280
You know,
355
00:14:50,280 –> 00:14:54,760
even though obviously I’m not going to fight because I can’t find my car keys who are going to fight.
356
00:14:54,770 –> 00:14:59,110
It’s gonna be that seeing like that jim Carrey movie where he beats himself up in the bathroom.
357
00:14:59,120 –> 00:15:00,500
That’s not workable.
358
00:15:00,500 –> 00:15:03,170
And hit brian checking your pants downstairs,
359
00:15:03,170 –> 00:15:03,500
right?
360
00:15:03,500 –> 00:15:05,460
It’s probably probably where your keys are.
361
00:15:05,540 –> 00:15:09,590
Part of that is dealing with the physiology of anger.
362
00:15:09,590 –> 00:15:10,570
So you were talking about,
363
00:15:10,570 –> 00:15:10,690
hey,
364
00:15:10,690 –> 00:15:12,570
sometimes you need to take a break.
365
00:15:12,580 –> 00:15:25,220
You need to take a break just to work out those chemicals workout that adrenaline gets your heart rate down because another thing that happens just physiologically tunnel vision will start happening and you just,
366
00:15:25,220 –> 00:15:27,210
you can’t see what’s going on around you.
367
00:15:27,210 –> 00:15:28,200
You just you get.
368
00:15:28,200 –> 00:15:33,980
So target fixated on I’m angry and this is what’s going on that you can’t deal with real life.
369
00:15:33,990 –> 00:15:40,910
And so you may even not be angry at the thing that you should be angry about because you’re so focused on this and then you’re lashing out.
370
00:15:40,920 –> 00:15:46,020
So I tell the story in the book we hadn’t been in the house we live in now for very long.
371
00:15:46,020 –> 00:15:46,710
We just moved there.
372
00:15:46,710 –> 00:15:52,750
Jonathan was still a baby and I don’t remember what we were arguing about but I was so angry.
373
00:15:52,750 –> 00:15:57,630
We we both work and I was so angry and you went downstairs it’s like okay we need to take a break.
374
00:15:57,640 –> 00:15:58,600
This just isn’t working.
375
00:15:58,600 –> 00:15:59,370
So you went downstairs.
376
00:15:59,370 –> 00:16:00,260
I don’t even know what you’re doing.
377
00:16:00,260 –> 00:16:06,960
But I stayed upstairs and I had so much angry energy that I just started cleaning the house,
378
00:16:07,040 –> 00:16:16,740
I did the dishes and I was still angry so I started cleaning the kitchen and by the end of the night before we actually sat down and talked I had cleaned the entire first floor of our house,
379
00:16:16,750 –> 00:16:17,430
the kitchen,
380
00:16:17,430 –> 00:16:18,890
I had mopped all the floors,
381
00:16:18,890 –> 00:16:22,080
I had vacuumed the house was probably the cleanest it’s ever been.
382
00:16:22,090 –> 00:16:22,920
Thank you babe.
383
00:16:22,920 –> 00:16:25,390
And just so you know whoever is listening to this,
384
00:16:25,390 –> 00:16:25,950
my friends,
385
00:16:25,950 –> 00:16:29,400
I don’t incite brian to anger just because I want to get the house clean.
386
00:16:29,400 –> 00:16:34,320
So but I literally have mad cleaning skills just literally there you go.
387
00:16:34,330 –> 00:16:42,340
Oh but yeah the physiology of anger is something that we have to address and we have to deal with.
388
00:16:42,350 –> 00:16:47,330
So walking away is an important part of managing anger.
389
00:16:47,340 –> 00:16:49,720
What are some things you do when you’re feeling angry?
390
00:16:49,720 –> 00:16:51,760
How do you manage your anger?
391
00:16:51,770 –> 00:16:52,210
You know,
392
00:16:52,210 –> 00:16:55,260
I like the term unplugging versus walking away.
393
00:16:55,270 –> 00:16:55,550
Okay.
394
00:16:55,550 –> 00:16:55,740
Yeah,
395
00:16:55,740 –> 00:16:56,160
I like that.
396
00:16:56,170 –> 00:16:56,470
The,
397
00:16:56,480 –> 00:17:02,130
the idea of that is that you’re separating yourself from the conflict for a time.
398
00:17:02,130 –> 00:17:07,330
It’s not like I’m throwing up my hands and I’m walking out on or walking away from my spouse.
399
00:17:07,330 –> 00:17:10,370
Like the relationship is an important instead of just saying,
400
00:17:10,370 –> 00:17:10,590
hey,
401
00:17:10,590 –> 00:17:17,270
I’m going to just take some time and you’re not going to be mad at me while I’m unplugged because who am I going to be talking to?
402
00:17:17,270 –> 00:17:18,620
I’m not going to be calling up my,
403
00:17:18,630 –> 00:17:22,220
my girlfriends to complain about you or family members to complain.
404
00:17:22,230 –> 00:17:23,850
I’m going to be talking to jesus.
405
00:17:23,850 –> 00:17:25,030
And instead of saying,
406
00:17:25,030 –> 00:17:26,530
what’s wrong with brian?
407
00:17:26,540 –> 00:17:28,450
Hopefully I’m having the wherewithal to say,
408
00:17:28,450 –> 00:17:33,030
I want to look at myself and see how am I contributing to this conflict and what can we do to,
409
00:17:33,030 –> 00:17:34,360
to work things out?
410
00:17:34,360 –> 00:17:39,380
Because sometimes when you’re dealing with these kinds of conflicts where you’re getting really angry,
411
00:17:39,390 –> 00:17:40,900
the compromise,
412
00:17:40,910 –> 00:17:46,300
it’s never a good idea if you want to wear the brown shoes and I want to wear the black shoes,
413
00:17:46,310 –> 00:17:52,890
you just get one black shoe and one brown shoe and that’s what you’re going to be then wearing that just does it works.
414
00:17:52,890 –> 00:17:54,770
But the kids are always doing mismatched socks.
415
00:17:54,770 –> 00:17:55,740
You can’t do that with shoes.
416
00:17:55,740 –> 00:17:56,210
Well,
417
00:17:56,210 –> 00:17:57,400
I guess you can’t do that with shoes,
418
00:17:57,400 –> 00:17:58,930
but you can’t do that with socks.
419
00:17:58,940 –> 00:18:00,730
But in any event,
420
00:18:00,730 –> 00:18:06,670
sometimes you do have to come to a resolution where it’s not a one for one compromise for that.
421
00:18:06,670 –> 00:18:16,180
But I always like to have the attitude of how am I honoring God and what is going to then move the family forward in the best possible way in this conflict?
422
00:18:16,190 –> 00:18:17,570
I think the other thing too,
423
00:18:17,580 –> 00:18:21,000
when dealing with anger is it requires a lot of introspection.
424
00:18:21,000 –> 00:18:22,540
That requires a lot of prayer,
425
00:18:22,550 –> 00:18:23,950
but why am I angry?
426
00:18:23,960 –> 00:18:28,270
What is it that makes this so important?
427
00:18:28,340 –> 00:18:32,660
The answer to that is huge for who you are and that’s part of growing in holiness.
428
00:18:32,740 –> 00:18:35,070
AM I even right to be angry about this?
429
00:18:35,080 –> 00:18:37,200
Um so going back to my story at the beginning,
430
00:18:37,200 –> 00:18:37,350
right?
431
00:18:37,350 –> 00:18:37,840
About I mean,
432
00:18:37,840 –> 00:18:38,540
I can’t find things,
433
00:18:38,540 –> 00:18:41,520
especially when we’re trying to leave that’s not healthy.
434
00:18:41,530 –> 00:18:50,490
I know that I have anxiety about showing up late to things and I know that about myself better three hours early than one minute late.
435
00:18:50,490 –> 00:18:50,980
Right?
436
00:18:50,990 –> 00:18:51,360
Yes,
437
00:18:51,360 –> 00:18:52,190
absolutely.
438
00:18:52,920 –> 00:18:54,170
Oh my goodness.
439
00:18:54,180 –> 00:18:57,350
So what’s going to happen if I’m late,
440
00:18:57,360 –> 00:18:58,410
no one will die,
441
00:18:58,420 –> 00:18:59,060
No one will die.
442
00:18:59,070 –> 00:19:00,280
You’re not a surgeon.
443
00:19:00,280 –> 00:19:01,730
You’re not like a trauma surgeon?
444
00:19:01,740 –> 00:19:02,010
No.
445
00:19:02,010 –> 00:19:06,330
And really it comes down to fear of some sort of Reprisal?
446
00:19:06,330 –> 00:19:06,570
Right?
447
00:19:06,570 –> 00:19:09,480
It’s just this fear that I have that something bad is gonna happen.
448
00:19:09,490 –> 00:19:11,270
And that’s important when you’re dealing with anger to,
449
00:19:11,270 –> 00:19:13,280
we have to be able to unplug like you said.
450
00:19:13,280 –> 00:19:14,340
But we also have to,
451
00:19:14,340 –> 00:19:15,670
when we’re unplugging,
452
00:19:15,740 –> 00:19:18,140
we can’t unplug and just let it fester,
453
00:19:18,150 –> 00:19:18,510
right?
454
00:19:18,510 –> 00:19:24,930
We can unplug and make it worse and give the devil a foothold and give anger control of ourselves because oh my gosh.
455
00:19:24,940 –> 00:19:25,410
You know,
456
00:19:25,420 –> 00:19:30,790
if jen would just do this and this and this and then and I just replay this and rehash this,
457
00:19:30,800 –> 00:19:34,380
that’s not helpful at all.
458
00:19:34,390 –> 00:19:37,190
I need to really step back and why am I angry about this?
459
00:19:37,200 –> 00:19:39,980
What is the root issue?
460
00:19:39,980 –> 00:19:45,530
And usually it has something to do with when we walk back and it’s something that I have a fear over.
461
00:19:45,530 –> 00:19:53,430
Are we not just me were afraid that the ultimate outcome is going to be something bad and this might be even some triggers for all of us,
462
00:19:53,440 –> 00:19:53,710
You know,
463
00:19:53,710 –> 00:19:59,080
did something happen when we were growing up or are these just kind of more preferences or predilections?
464
00:19:59,080 –> 00:20:02,820
But to just make sure you’re getting under control because like you had said,
465
00:20:02,830 –> 00:20:09,160
it’s like I’m getting angry because this particular issue is just so important and why is this so important?
466
00:20:09,170 –> 00:20:19,710
And then certainly the other spouse that seeing that is that issue just as important to the other spouse or is it not just kind of just trying to get more of an understanding together,
467
00:20:19,710 –> 00:20:23,110
and I think sometimes that can help diffuse the anger on both sides.
468
00:20:23,110 –> 00:20:24,950
It’s just like why is my spouse feeling this?
469
00:20:24,950 –> 00:20:27,050
And just try to talk it through and again,
470
00:20:27,050 –> 00:20:28,360
be honest about it,
471
00:20:28,440 –> 00:20:28,910
right,
472
00:20:28,920 –> 00:20:30,260
And that’s something to that,
473
00:20:30,260 –> 00:20:31,350
it’s important.
474
00:20:31,640 –> 00:20:36,370
Um We as individuals need to be able to manage our anger,
475
00:20:36,370 –> 00:20:38,360
but we as couples need to manage it to,
476
00:20:38,360 –> 00:20:38,730
right?
477
00:20:38,740 –> 00:20:44,710
It’s um if I know that this is something that’s key or important,
478
00:20:44,720 –> 00:20:47,670
then I need to be respectful of that too,
479
00:20:48,040 –> 00:20:49,750
because we talked a lot about,
480
00:20:49,750 –> 00:20:49,950
okay,
481
00:20:49,950 –> 00:20:50,590
this isn’t important,
482
00:20:50,590 –> 00:20:51,940
it’s not important in this podcast,
483
00:20:51,940 –> 00:20:54,550
but there are things that are really are important,
484
00:20:54,560 –> 00:20:55,380
and again,
485
00:20:55,390 –> 00:21:01,180
anger is not bad um life name,
486
00:21:01,190 –> 00:21:01,470
you know,
487
00:21:01,470 –> 00:21:01,970
things like that.
488
00:21:01,970 –> 00:21:13,510
If if I’m doing something that is going to ultimately have a significant negative impact on our health as a family,
489
00:21:13,510 –> 00:21:15,610
that doesn’t necessarily just mean physical health,
490
00:21:15,610 –> 00:21:23,070
but am I being irresponsible with how I’m taking care of our house or,
491
00:21:23,080 –> 00:21:23,540
you know,
492
00:21:23,540 –> 00:21:26,580
I’m not getting the oil changed in the car,
493
00:21:26,580 –> 00:21:26,840
okay?
494
00:21:26,840 –> 00:21:27,060
Mr.
495
00:21:27,060 –> 00:21:27,300
Election,
496
00:21:27,300 –> 00:21:27,730
that’s fine.
497
00:21:27,730 –> 00:21:34,930
But if that keeps going in the car breaks down and our daughter who terrifyingly is going to be getting ready to drive soon.
498
00:21:34,940 –> 00:21:36,570
That too terrifying.
499
00:21:36,580 –> 00:21:38,240
She’s a great driver,
500
00:21:38,250 –> 00:21:41,720
but being a dad and thinking about all the knuckleheads on the road,
501
00:21:41,730 –> 00:21:42,730
we learned very,
502
00:21:42,730 –> 00:21:44,870
very early on when she started driving.
503
00:21:44,880 –> 00:21:45,210
You know,
504
00:21:45,210 –> 00:21:46,860
just with us in the car that you know,
505
00:21:46,860 –> 00:21:49,390
that’s why Catholics keep rosaries in the car.
506
00:21:49,390 –> 00:21:49,880
But yes,
507
00:21:49,890 –> 00:21:50,440
yeah,
508
00:21:50,450 –> 00:21:51,910
just prayer,
509
00:21:51,910 –> 00:21:52,380
prayer,
510
00:21:52,380 –> 00:21:52,930
prayer,
511
00:21:52,930 –> 00:21:53,660
prayer manufacture.
512
00:21:53,660 –> 00:21:54,760
If you’re listening to this right now,
513
00:21:54,760 –> 00:21:55,860
pray for me,
514
00:21:56,040 –> 00:21:57,350
uh,
515
00:21:57,360 –> 00:21:59,820
we need prayers for all kinds of stuff there Bryant.
516
00:21:59,830 –> 00:22:06,390
But the point is if I’m not being responsible or the Children are being responsible with getting the oil change in the car,
517
00:22:06,390 –> 00:22:13,210
that’s a safety issue because if at some point that engine seizes when you’re doing 75 miles an hour on the freeway,
518
00:22:13,220 –> 00:22:16,500
that’s literally life or limb could be at jeopardy.
519
00:22:16,500 –> 00:22:27,680
But it’s also if we’re being foolish about finances and we’re putting our family in jeopardy and causing debt or taking things out of savings that probably need to,
520
00:22:27,690 –> 00:22:34,390
there are some things it’s okay to get angry about because the fear behind that is a real issue for the health of the family.
521
00:22:34,400 –> 00:22:39,680
But let’s also talk about just the idea of how far reaching anger can be because we’re talking about some,
522
00:22:39,680 –> 00:22:43,620
some anger that might be happening because something that happened in the family.
523
00:22:43,840 –> 00:22:44,620
But again,
524
00:22:44,620 –> 00:22:45,780
you can’t let that fester,
525
00:22:45,780 –> 00:22:51,410
you can’t marinate in that because I’ve even seen some things with families that I work with on,
526
00:22:51,410 –> 00:22:53,810
on the legal side of things where this,
527
00:22:53,820 –> 00:23:03,350
this adult woman was so angry about her sister stealing money from her mother and of course we’re going to be mad about something like that.
528
00:23:03,440 –> 00:23:05,410
But she let that anger so overtake her.
529
00:23:05,410 –> 00:23:10,100
It spilled over into her family life and her anger towards her sister spilled over into her.
530
00:23:10,100 –> 00:23:13,020
Then expressing anger being short tempered,
531
00:23:13,020 –> 00:23:16,800
being very prone to conflict then with her husband and kids.
532
00:23:16,800 –> 00:23:21,580
So we really need to make sure that that’s controlled anger isn’t too bad.
533
00:23:21,590 –> 00:23:23,850
But definitely it’s mishandled anger.
534
00:23:23,850 –> 00:23:26,470
And when we look at Ephesians with that advice,
535
00:23:26,480 –> 00:23:27,790
it needs to be dealt with quickly.
536
00:23:27,790 –> 00:23:33,340
Not necessarily in the moment because sometimes you need to unplug and deal with the physiology of it,
537
00:23:33,350 –> 00:23:34,170
dealing with our anger.
538
00:23:34,170 –> 00:23:38,370
We need to deal with the physiology but we need to make sure we’ve got control of our emotions,
539
00:23:38,370 –> 00:23:50,900
not our emotions controlling us and be aware of what is this thing that is causing her and make sure that we are dealing with our own issues and so that we could have healthy anger,
540
00:23:50,900 –> 00:23:52,150
not unhealthy anger,
541
00:23:52,160 –> 00:23:52,770
that’s it.
542
00:23:54,040 –> 00:23:57,010
We have another opportunity for you to help your marriage thrive.
543
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544
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545
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546
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conflict resolution and building intimacy in your marriage.
547
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549
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551
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552
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For more information.
553
00:24:27,470 –> 00:24:28,940
Contact us at our website,
554
00:24:28,950 –> 00:24:29,690
operation,
555
00:24:29,690 –> 00:24:31,130
thriving marriage.com.
556
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