1
00:00:10,260 –> 00:00:13,800
one of my favorites too is of course media like television shows,
2
00:00:13,810 –> 00:00:22,550
you don’t want to base your expectations of marriage off of media and tv shows and movies that that’s just going to get you in trouble,
3
00:00:22,560 –> 00:00:22,900
wait a minute,
4
00:00:22,910 –> 00:00:31,510
you’re telling me that every conflict can be resolved in 55 minutes with commercials shockingly not especially those legal dramas right?
5
00:00:31,520 –> 00:00:31,940
It’s like,
6
00:00:31,940 –> 00:00:34,100
hey that that serious sex in the city,
7
00:00:34,110 –> 00:00:35,550
so amusing,
8
00:00:35,550 –> 00:00:42,690
but you don’t want to live into that choice.
9
00:00:42,690 –> 00:00:43,830
Away from driving,
10
00:00:44,520 –> 00:00:45,750
welcome to the operation.
11
00:00:54,040 –> 00:00:54,630
Alright,
12
00:00:54,630 –> 00:00:57,980
so we’re back in the studio and having a great day,
13
00:00:57,980 –> 00:00:58,700
how you doing today,
14
00:00:58,700 –> 00:00:59,160
sweetie,
15
00:00:59,170 –> 00:01:00,130
Hey things are going well,
16
00:01:00,130 –> 00:01:00,710
things are going well,
17
00:01:00,710 –> 00:01:03,350
how about you doing all right over here?
18
00:01:03,350 –> 00:01:24,165
I I think that just just kinda work wise and otherwise we’re kind of rolling into the christmas season and just trying to make sure that we’re getting all the things done uh so that we’re able to enjoy some of these festivities and keep some of these holiday traditions that we have as a family and and into the greater community here,
19
00:01:24,175 –> 00:01:32,640
that kind of fits in well with our topic today right with un expectations because with two kids and christmas coming up plus a birthday coming up,
20
00:01:32,640 –> 00:01:33,940
we’ve got a lot of expectations.
21
00:01:33,940 –> 00:01:34,870
We got two birthdays,
22
00:01:34,870 –> 00:01:35,460
my friends,
23
00:01:35,460 –> 00:01:36,660
the only one that matters,
24
00:01:36,670 –> 00:01:40,940
oh well we got your birthday and Brenda’s birthday but mine is the only one that matters.
25
00:01:40,950 –> 00:01:44,040
Oh I thought we were saying that jesus was the only one that matters but you know,
26
00:01:44,040 –> 00:01:46,090
we’ll just kind of kind of roll about that one.
27
00:01:46,100 –> 00:01:46,600
Yeah.
28
00:01:46,600 –> 00:02:05,257
I think that the the expectations are a big thing that that’s important to manage because it it just seems like every disagreement every time someone’s feelings are hurt every time there’s some relational issues that’s going to be because expectations were met and but that’s kind of your job too,
29
00:02:05,257 –> 00:02:05,647
right?
30
00:02:05,657 –> 00:02:08,677
I mean as a lawyer isn’t a big part of your job,
31
00:02:08,677 –> 00:02:10,657
just managing people’s expectations.
32
00:02:10,667 –> 00:02:15,807
I think it’s forever managing expectations because sometimes people come to me and it’s,
33
00:02:15,817 –> 00:02:17,387
the idea is,
34
00:02:17,397 –> 00:02:17,997
you know,
35
00:02:17,997 –> 00:02:26,344
you’re you’re the overpaid janitor who’s going to be cleaning up the big mess that it happened and I’m happy to come in and help clients as I’m able to do.
36
00:02:26,344 –> 00:02:34,704
But sometimes people do have big gaps and expectations just as to what the law would provide for them and what is actually going to be happening.
37
00:02:34,704 –> 00:02:47,931
So it’s really important for me to get in there and let them know what what their legal rights are and what their responsibilities are by law and just kind of see what we can do to uh figure Things out.
38
00:02:47,931 –> 00:02:50,781
Because I always tell people any time that there’s going to be a legal dispute,
39
00:02:50,781 –> 00:02:54,071
nobody’s getting a pony that that’s just not happening.
40
00:02:54,161 –> 00:03:01,591
And you’ve talked about this before with estate plans that you’ve drawn up to just letting people reasonable expectations of what they can put in their estate plan.
41
00:03:01,591 –> 00:03:07,191
You cannot say that sister sally will feed my turtle to worms every day at 3:00.
42
00:03:07,191 –> 00:03:17,960
There’s limits to what they can even put in their documentation and then obviously we have this idea of what is right or what is wrong or what we should or shouldn’t be able to do.
43
00:03:17,960 –> 00:03:27,430
But the law is written by lawyers and legislators and it doesn’t really take into account my personal feelings about it no doubt about it.
44
00:03:27,430 –> 00:03:28,600
And and side note too,
45
00:03:28,600 –> 00:03:31,200
if here’s your free legal advice for the day,
46
00:03:31,200 –> 00:03:34,460
which is just as far as uh personal property,
47
00:03:34,460 –> 00:03:40,370
like if you want to leave julie or or other personal effects to somebody and you’re not using it now,
48
00:03:40,370 –> 00:03:49,980
give it to them now so you can see them enjoy it during their lifetime because I see that tangible personal property like the jewelry you passed away and it disappears because somebody took it.
49
00:03:50,140 –> 00:03:50,350
Yeah,
50
00:03:50,350 –> 00:03:51,420
that’s that’s a good point.
51
00:03:51,430 –> 00:03:52,260
So yeah.
52
00:03:52,270 –> 00:03:59,350
And they were expecting to get one thing like you said and pay attention this as you’re listening because I think this is really important.
53
00:03:59,440 –> 00:04:07,450
Every fight you’ve ever had in your marriage started because of an unmet expectation.
54
00:04:07,510 –> 00:04:08,480
Isn’t that the truth?
55
00:04:08,490 –> 00:04:09,310
Everything we argue about.
56
00:04:09,310 –> 00:04:15,150
I mean it’s an expectation and then we talk to these young couples that are getting ready to be married and they’re they’re all,
57
00:04:15,160 –> 00:04:17,300
I have no expectations.
58
00:04:17,300 –> 00:04:23,110
They just go with the flow or its communicate in some way that if I expect something,
59
00:04:23,110 –> 00:04:23,450
it’s bad.
60
00:04:23,450 –> 00:04:28,840
If I if I expect you to do this or that that expectation is wrong,
61
00:04:28,840 –> 00:04:34,590
I shouldn’t expect anything of you and I should just be happy with whatever you bring to the marriage and whatever is going on.
62
00:04:34,600 –> 00:04:35,640
That doesn’t really make sense though,
63
00:04:35,640 –> 00:04:36,070
does it?
64
00:04:36,080 –> 00:04:38,180
That’s just not how a marriage can run that.
65
00:04:38,180 –> 00:04:40,290
That’s not how a society can run either.
66
00:04:40,290 –> 00:04:42,460
Because just for traffic rules,
67
00:04:42,460 –> 00:04:48,390
you have to have the expectation that people are going to follow the rules and stay on their side of the street or else there’s chaos.
68
00:04:48,400 –> 00:04:53,470
And I think that’s certainly the same in the marriage relationship or any other relation to Yeah,
69
00:04:53,480 –> 00:04:55,780
expectations in themselves aren’t bad.
70
00:04:55,790 –> 00:04:59,160
It’s not bad to expect your spouse to be faithful.
71
00:04:59,220 –> 00:05:03,980
It’s not bad to expect that the house will be clean.
72
00:05:04,050 –> 00:05:05,320
It depends on the day.
73
00:05:05,320 –> 00:05:05,670
But no,
74
00:05:05,670 –> 00:05:06,540
I I hear you,
75
00:05:06,540 –> 00:05:07,180
we wanna,
76
00:05:07,190 –> 00:05:07,410
you know,
77
00:05:07,410 –> 00:05:13,610
but we want to have a certain level of cleanliness and kind of schedule from for cleaning things up.
78
00:05:13,620 –> 00:05:13,900
Yeah.
79
00:05:13,910 –> 00:05:14,540
And also,
80
00:05:14,540 –> 00:05:14,740
I mean,
81
00:05:14,740 –> 00:05:16,760
just from from the christian perspective,
82
00:05:16,770 –> 00:05:18,580
God expects a lot of us,
83
00:05:18,850 –> 00:05:19,720
you know,
84
00:05:19,730 –> 00:05:21,100
it’s not just okay,
85
00:05:21,100 –> 00:05:23,600
I believe in you God and I can do whatever I want.
86
00:05:23,610 –> 00:05:24,770
You look through scripture.
87
00:05:24,770 –> 00:05:32,150
I mean paul in those letters is laying out these are my expectations because these are God’s expectations.
88
00:05:32,150 –> 00:05:38,780
And the big one of course is jesus said um that if we loved him we would follow his commands that we would do what he said?
89
00:05:38,780 –> 00:05:42,580
And God says to us in Leviticus be holy as I am holy.
90
00:05:42,590 –> 00:05:44,310
And it’s it’s not just that’s not just made up,
91
00:05:44,310 –> 00:05:46,020
that’s a pretty high expectation.
92
00:05:46,030 –> 00:05:56,680
Well it it’s a high expectation but I mean talk about rights and responsibilities that were talked about a little bit before because um when you do enter into God’s family,
93
00:05:56,680 –> 00:06:01,330
you have significant rights and significant benefits.
94
00:06:01,340 –> 00:06:05,050
But God just like the bed father in the world because he is,
95
00:06:05,050 –> 00:06:13,200
he’s going to have some significant expectations of us just as to the rules that we’re going to fill and the things that are required of us.
96
00:06:13,200 –> 00:06:18,610
And of course coming into the family has to happen before all of these rules can attach.
97
00:06:18,610 –> 00:06:21,800
You can’t try to conquer the rules and then enter the family.
98
00:06:21,800 –> 00:06:25,270
You need to accept christ’s gift to us to enter that family,
99
00:06:25,280 –> 00:06:25,530
right?
100
00:06:25,530 –> 00:06:31,690
I mean God expects us to grow in christ likeness and that’s why we’re here to learn to live that kingdom living.
101
00:06:31,950 –> 00:06:33,410
But in marriage,
102
00:06:33,420 –> 00:06:38,830
like we talked about every fight comes from an unmet expectation and unmet expectations.
103
00:06:38,840 –> 00:06:43,220
There’s a few common reasons that the expectation would be unmet.
104
00:06:43,220 –> 00:06:46,830
And in the book we call these un expectations and one is unveiled,
105
00:06:46,880 –> 00:06:51,300
voiced expectations that aren’t communicated unshared presumed norms.
106
00:06:51,300 –> 00:06:53,330
And then unreasonable expectations.
107
00:06:53,340 –> 00:06:55,920
Talk a little bit about invoiced expectations.
108
00:06:55,920 –> 00:06:57,770
What is when we’re talking about that in the book?
109
00:06:57,770 –> 00:06:59,250
Are we talking about unmet expectations.
110
00:06:59,250 –> 00:06:59,790
invoiced,
111
00:06:59,806 –> 00:07:01,556
How does that fit in?
112
00:07:01,566 –> 00:07:01,896
Oh,
113
00:07:01,896 –> 00:07:11,086
and I think that that’s just such a tough thing because it’s a lot of assumptions there because those un voice expectations are those expectations that just aren’t communicated.
114
00:07:11,096 –> 00:07:12,946
And someone in the marriage,
115
00:07:12,946 –> 00:07:26,056
one spouse can be upset or offended that the other spouse’s handling say spending or habits or going out with friends or whatever the case may be in a certain way,
116
00:07:26,056 –> 00:07:29,262
but that other spouse expect to be a different way.
117
00:07:29,272 –> 00:07:33,672
Nothing was voiced and communicated to to the other spouse.
118
00:07:33,672 –> 00:07:35,022
So the other spouse things,
119
00:07:35,032 –> 00:07:37,772
everything’s coming up roses and good to go.
120
00:07:37,772 –> 00:07:38,972
But the other spouse,
121
00:07:38,972 –> 00:07:43,112
they had the other expectations doesn’t feel that way and that can lead to a lot of conflict,
122
00:07:43,112 –> 00:07:46,962
especially if it’s not communicated and discussed communication again,
123
00:07:46,962 –> 00:07:51,022
it just seems like a lot of this ends up coming just back to communication,
124
00:07:51,022 –> 00:07:52,322
we have to talk about it.
125
00:07:52,622 –> 00:07:53,772
So that’s the truth.
126
00:07:53,822 –> 00:07:55,192
I think that’s a big thing too,
127
00:07:55,192 –> 00:08:01,420
is when you’re looking at something and what you expected to happen didn’t happen.
128
00:08:01,420 –> 00:08:02,630
I think that’s the first stop.
129
00:08:02,630 –> 00:08:04,440
Is did I even say anything.
130
00:08:04,450 –> 00:08:10,430
Did I tell so I tell my spouse this is what I expected to happen.
131
00:08:10,440 –> 00:08:12,320
I think that that’s a huge thing.
132
00:08:12,330 –> 00:08:15,650
Um and I think when approaching a spouse about that,
133
00:08:15,650 –> 00:08:17,120
it’s just kind of like goodness.
134
00:08:17,120 –> 00:08:22,920
I I thought that something else completely different was going to happen and this other thing happened.
135
00:08:22,920 –> 00:08:31,100
So I don’t think that that confrontation if you will should come from a place of I know best or my way is the best or the only way to do it.
136
00:08:31,100 –> 00:08:31,650
It’s just,
137
00:08:31,660 –> 00:08:31,980
wow,
138
00:08:31,980 –> 00:08:36,760
I had a completely different expectation and understanding of what was going to happen,
139
00:08:36,770 –> 00:08:37,330
right?
140
00:08:37,330 –> 00:08:38,670
That team marriage concept,
141
00:08:38,670 –> 00:08:40,890
we’re always talking about presume goodwill,
142
00:08:40,900 –> 00:08:45,230
presume that they didn’t intend for you to upset you or hurt you.
143
00:08:45,230 –> 00:08:49,470
Presume that they want the marriage to be successful because they do just didn’t know about it.
144
00:08:49,480 –> 00:08:50,080
That’s it.
145
00:08:50,090 –> 00:08:52,770
And we also talked but unshared expectations.
146
00:08:52,830 –> 00:08:55,580
These expectations are presumed norms,
147
00:08:55,580 –> 00:08:57,310
things that aren’t the same though,
148
00:08:57,320 –> 00:09:00,620
I presume that this is the way the world works.
149
00:09:00,670 –> 00:09:03,680
And some of the places we get this from me and our family of origin is huge,
150
00:09:03,680 –> 00:09:04,000
right?
151
00:09:04,030 –> 00:09:13,890
We learn first what a marriage looks like by watching our parents marriage or we learn what we want or don’t want depending on how we view our parents marriage,
152
00:09:14,220 –> 00:09:23,430
but expectations for marriage first come from the first marriage we see or if we come from a family where it’s a single parent,
153
00:09:23,440 –> 00:09:30,120
it’s the relationship that that single parent has if any with other romantic partners,
154
00:09:30,120 –> 00:09:32,730
it’s like you see a boyfriend or a girlfriend come home,
155
00:09:32,890 –> 00:09:33,550
things like that,
156
00:09:33,550 –> 00:09:41,100
we learn what people should or should not do we presume based on what we watch when we’re Children.
157
00:09:41,110 –> 00:09:41,490
Well,
158
00:09:41,500 –> 00:09:41,870
sure,
159
00:09:41,870 –> 00:09:42,370
it’s like that,
160
00:09:42,380 –> 00:09:55,765
that’s the family of origin that you’re coming out of just has such a substantial impact on you whether you know it or not what so you wanted to or not because it is modeling how you would just think every household would be.
161
00:09:55,765 –> 00:09:58,185
And I think a lot of times people getting into maybe their teens,
162
00:09:58,185 –> 00:10:00,735
they can see that there can be some differences.
163
00:10:00,735 –> 00:10:03,965
But of course you’re going to assume that’s how everybody grows up right?
164
00:10:03,975 –> 00:10:05,355
Because you don’t know any better.
165
00:10:05,365 –> 00:10:09,585
I mean that’s always the problem with cross cultural mission stuff as well.
166
00:10:09,585 –> 00:10:09,865
Right.
167
00:10:09,865 –> 00:10:15,430
We think that everyone has the same value system as we do here in America because we haven’t experienced it.
168
00:10:15,440 –> 00:10:21,150
Otherwise that’s one thing I’m grateful for growing up as an army brat is I got to travel and see things and learn,
169
00:10:21,160 –> 00:10:21,950
oh wait a minute.
170
00:10:21,960 –> 00:10:29,010
What we value here in America is different from what they value in other countries and the same is so true with family of origin.
171
00:10:29,010 –> 00:10:32,430
I mean your family growing up was so different from mine.
172
00:10:32,430 –> 00:10:46,680
You guys pretty much stayed in michigan except for that brief stint in Tennessee and just kind of lived in the suburbs of Detroit where I had the expectations every three or four years we were moving and even like when we first got married we were living in that condo and after three years I’m like man,
173
00:10:46,680 –> 00:10:48,340
we’ve lived here a long time,
174
00:10:48,350 –> 00:10:51,450
it’s time to move because I was so used to moving around so much.
175
00:10:51,460 –> 00:10:51,710
Oh,
176
00:10:51,710 –> 00:10:52,260
certainly,
177
00:10:52,260 –> 00:10:52,550
but it,
178
00:10:52,550 –> 00:10:53,420
but I think that um,
179
00:10:53,420 –> 00:10:54,430
societies,
180
00:10:54,440 –> 00:10:55,490
different cultures,
181
00:10:55,490 –> 00:10:56,680
different countries,
182
00:10:56,690 –> 00:10:58,660
what your nationality is,
183
00:10:58,670 –> 00:11:01,820
that that’s always going to have a substantial impact.
184
00:11:01,820 –> 00:11:06,096
And sometimes it can be hilarious because everybody identifies with the movie,
185
00:11:06,096 –> 00:11:11,176
my big fat greek wedding and just plug in whatever cultural kind of family that,
186
00:11:11,176 –> 00:11:18,746
that you’d be coming out of into that just because there’s always something that’s going to be different from mainstream America and that’s okay.
187
00:11:18,746 –> 00:11:21,556
But just try to understand what the differences are.
188
00:11:21,566 –> 00:11:26,192
I guess the big thing about that too is every marriage and extent is my big fat greek wedding,
189
00:11:26,192 –> 00:11:26,632
right?
190
00:11:26,642 –> 00:11:27,522
Because I mean,
191
00:11:27,522 –> 00:11:40,202
it’s very obvious when you have the typical middle class american guy marrying into this proud greek family with that significantly different experience than that typical middle class american.
192
00:11:40,202 –> 00:11:43,120
But even getting out my Windex right now brian.
193
00:11:43,430 –> 00:11:44,770
But even if you are,
194
00:11:44,780 –> 00:11:46,680
if you come from the same town,
195
00:11:46,700 –> 00:11:47,660
you still have,
196
00:11:47,670 –> 00:11:49,970
it’s still just as different.
197
00:11:49,980 –> 00:11:57,930
It’s just not as obviously different because it’s easier to presume if you both come from the same socioeconomic background that you live the same,
198
00:11:57,930 –> 00:12:01,130
we went to the same high school or similar high schools in the same town.
199
00:12:01,140 –> 00:12:02,700
We went to the same college,
200
00:12:02,700 –> 00:12:03,350
Things like that,
201
00:12:03,350 –> 00:12:06,110
we can think that there’s more in common than there really is.
202
00:12:06,120 –> 00:12:06,240
No,
203
00:12:06,240 –> 00:12:07,050
no doubt about it.
204
00:12:07,050 –> 00:12:07,740
I think you,
205
00:12:07,740 –> 00:12:09,200
you saw that a little bit on um,
206
00:12:09,210 –> 00:12:10,405
maybe you did brian,
207
00:12:10,405 –> 00:12:10,785
but on the,
208
00:12:10,785 –> 00:12:11,945
on the Gilmore girls,
209
00:12:11,945 –> 00:12:12,295
you know,
210
00:12:12,295 –> 00:12:12,795
I did not,
211
00:12:12,805 –> 00:12:14,565
I did not see that on the Gilmore girls.
212
00:12:14,565 –> 00:12:17,765
Just the idea of Rory’s best friends,
213
00:12:17,765 –> 00:12:23,155
family is a christian korean family and her mom wanted her to marry a christian guy who was korean.
214
00:12:23,155 –> 00:12:24,925
So even in that situation,
215
00:12:24,925 –> 00:12:27,345
the families themselves are going to be different.
216
00:12:27,355 –> 00:12:30,695
And another place we get unshared expectations about marriage,
217
00:12:30,695 –> 00:12:32,065
those from our friends,
218
00:12:32,275 –> 00:12:32,565
you know,
219
00:12:32,565 –> 00:12:36,775
people talk about marriage and it starts when you’re,
220
00:12:37,080 –> 00:12:39,990
I mean for some of us it starts when we’re in middle school or high school,
221
00:12:39,990 –> 00:12:46,120
this idea of what it’s gonna be like to be married and be adults and we dream and stuff and then as an adult,
222
00:12:46,130 –> 00:12:47,090
um single,
223
00:12:47,090 –> 00:12:50,180
you’re meeting friends are even married and you talk about,
224
00:12:50,190 –> 00:12:55,280
talk to your friends about their marriage is there’s a lot of expectations that can come just from friends saying,
225
00:12:55,280 –> 00:12:55,530
oh,
226
00:12:55,530 –> 00:12:56,570
this is how it ought to be,
227
00:12:56,570 –> 00:12:57,490
this is how it should be,
228
00:12:57,490 –> 00:12:59,260
or this is how my marriages and oh,
229
00:12:59,260 –> 00:13:02,300
it’s so wonderful or it’s so awful depending on their experience.
230
00:13:02,310 –> 00:13:02,490
Oh,
231
00:13:02,490 –> 00:13:02,720
sure.
232
00:13:02,720 –> 00:13:04,890
And just hearing even friends,
233
00:13:04,890 –> 00:13:14,475
aunts and uncles getting married or older siblings and you just hear a lot of things about that and and that’s going to have a big influence on,
234
00:13:14,485 –> 00:13:20,355
on what your expectations are going to be right or wrong for what your marriage is ultimately going to be,
235
00:13:20,365 –> 00:13:21,095
maybe better,
236
00:13:21,095 –> 00:13:21,995
maybe worse.
237
00:13:22,005 –> 00:13:22,505
Yeah,
238
00:13:22,515 –> 00:13:23,675
it’s tricky definitely.
239
00:13:23,685 –> 00:13:27,455
I think of times when I’ve been away for different schools or different environments,
240
00:13:27,455 –> 00:13:29,375
when I’ve been away from military and spending a lot of time together,
241
00:13:29,375 –> 00:13:30,945
we end up talking about our families.
242
00:13:30,955 –> 00:13:33,085
Sometimes someone will say something,
243
00:13:33,095 –> 00:13:34,225
they’ll be like,
244
00:13:34,480 –> 00:13:39,490
that is absolutely how it should be or this is what marriage is and you’re thinking where did that come from?
245
00:13:39,500 –> 00:13:41,880
If you’re not critical about the people you around,
246
00:13:41,880 –> 00:13:44,340
it’s really easy for me when I’m going away in a different environment.
247
00:13:44,340 –> 00:13:44,570
Okay,
248
00:13:44,570 –> 00:13:46,070
this is clearly different.
249
00:13:46,070 –> 00:13:48,180
But sometimes the people that you work with,
250
00:13:48,180 –> 00:13:53,790
you can start hearing these thoughts about how marriage should be and if you’re not critical and thinking about it,
251
00:13:53,790 –> 00:13:53,950
say,
252
00:13:53,950 –> 00:13:54,080
hey,
253
00:13:54,080 –> 00:13:54,570
wait a minute.
254
00:13:54,580 –> 00:13:57,970
Just because this group is all agreeing with that,
255
00:13:57,980 –> 00:13:59,060
they may not even all agree with.
256
00:13:59,060 –> 00:14:01,690
And certainly if your spouse isn’t there agreeing with it,
257
00:14:01,690 –> 00:14:03,900
then that expectation is unshared.
258
00:14:03,910 –> 00:14:04,420
Yes.
259
00:14:04,420 –> 00:14:13,120
And and I think that God gives us a lot of freedom in marriage to express him and reflect him to the world.
260
00:14:13,130 –> 00:14:18,760
We’ve talked before about just the concept of marriage can in some ways,
261
00:14:18,770 –> 00:14:24,631
really reflect the trinity because God is three and one and a couple is two people,
262
00:14:24,631 –> 00:14:33,711
but that one marriage unit these expressions of God are going to be very different and you can have a christian marriage a holy marriage,
263
00:14:33,721 –> 00:14:40,001
a thriving marriage in very different context with different things in place,
264
00:14:40,001 –> 00:14:41,341
but that honors God.
265
00:14:41,341 –> 00:14:43,751
It’s just important to have those fundamentals in place.
266
00:14:43,761 –> 00:14:46,001
You just have to know where those expectations coming from.
267
00:14:46,001 –> 00:14:49,651
And then one of my favorites too is of course media like television shows,
268
00:14:49,972 –> 00:15:01,402
You don’t want to base your expectations of marriage or singleness or really much of anything off of media and TV shows and movies that that’s just going to get you in trouble.
269
00:15:01,412 –> 00:15:01,752
Wait a minute.
270
00:15:01,762 –> 00:15:09,782
You’re telling me that every conflict can be resolved in 55 minutes with commercials shockingly not especially those legal dramas,
271
00:15:09,782 –> 00:15:10,352
right?
272
00:15:10,362 –> 00:15:10,792
It’s like,
273
00:15:10,792 –> 00:15:12,952
hey that that serious sex in the city,
274
00:15:12,962 –> 00:15:23,173
so amusing but you don’t want to live into that because they’ve got different ideas and they’ve got writers that just make everything all work out in the end and that’s not always so for life.
275
00:15:23,183 –> 00:15:24,793
Well they also get to do retakes.
276
00:15:24,963 –> 00:15:25,333
They can,
277
00:15:25,333 –> 00:15:25,603
they can,
278
00:15:25,613 –> 00:15:30,673
they can have that argument five or six times and whichever one comes out the best they do.
279
00:15:30,683 –> 00:15:31,703
We’ve seen this.
280
00:15:31,713 –> 00:15:33,263
I mean instagram,
281
00:15:33,273 –> 00:15:35,453
whatever different social media stuff.
282
00:15:35,463 –> 00:15:39,923
There’s so many ideas that will get from tv shows,
283
00:15:39,923 –> 00:15:40,443
movies,
284
00:15:40,443 –> 00:15:43,803
media and whatever and those can be unshared expectations as well.
285
00:15:43,813 –> 00:15:45,914
Even just in this little conversation we’re joking around about.
286
00:15:45,924 –> 00:15:47,534
I did not watch Gilmore Girls,
287
00:15:47,534 –> 00:15:50,404
that’s not something that I know you and Brenda really enjoyed watching it.
288
00:15:50,414 –> 00:15:53,774
So any expectation that could have developed out of watching something like that.
289
00:15:53,774 –> 00:15:57,074
It’s not going to be shared because I have no idea what you’re talking about.
290
00:15:57,084 –> 00:15:59,014
You said Rory’s friend was korean.
291
00:15:59,014 –> 00:16:03,444
I didn’t know that until you just told me that those are unshared expectations.
292
00:16:03,454 –> 00:16:04,294
Don’t worry babe.
293
00:16:04,294 –> 00:16:09,814
Because see I I won’t voice these things because we don’t we don’t want to bother you with that kind of deal.
294
00:16:09,814 –> 00:16:10,254
But yes,
295
00:16:10,254 –> 00:16:11,104
you’re absolutely right.
296
00:16:11,125 –> 00:16:12,015
You had talked about you know,
297
00:16:12,015 –> 00:16:20,215
being critical when you’re getting some of these influences just again from friends from from tv shows and movies and and things like that.
298
00:16:20,215 –> 00:16:27,915
And I think critical not that you’re trying to be out there and be down on on things that are out there.
299
00:16:27,915 –> 00:16:36,415
But just the concept of critical thinking which I think we’ve gotten as a culture away from um that it’s just kind of like well does that really match up?
300
00:16:36,415 –> 00:16:37,565
Does that really make sense?
301
00:16:37,565 –> 00:16:39,046
Just really thinking it through?
302
00:16:39,046 –> 00:16:40,680
Is that really how it should be?
303
00:16:40,690 –> 00:16:46,070
Because really what we should be comparing things to is what the scripture tell us and that’s a good point.
304
00:16:46,070 –> 00:16:48,870
We’ll get into that again in a little bit as well because that’s huge.
305
00:16:48,870 –> 00:16:49,200
But yeah,
306
00:16:49,210 –> 00:16:49,760
critical,
307
00:16:49,760 –> 00:16:58,300
not meaning all these all these opinions are bad or these expectations are bad but thinking through where does this come from and bouncing again,
308
00:16:58,300 –> 00:17:01,090
Taking every thought captive as paul tells us in romans.
309
00:17:01,090 –> 00:17:12,030
We gotta take every thought captive including our expectations in marriage and then perhaps the most dangerous or most pernicious one is these unreasonable expectations.
310
00:17:12,040 –> 00:17:21,910
I mean that can get really squirrelly if you expect something and it’s just not possible going out and changing the tire without a jacket and I’m making stuff up.
311
00:17:21,920 –> 00:17:22,670
But there’s,
312
00:17:22,680 –> 00:17:26,190
we have expectations that just aren’t reasonable.
313
00:17:26,190 –> 00:17:27,410
We can’t expect that.
314
00:17:27,420 –> 00:17:35,940
So this is one that you and I had to work through in the past few months as well was trying to figure out dinner because so often,
315
00:17:35,950 –> 00:17:37,910
especially with the covid pandemic,
316
00:17:37,910 –> 00:17:40,850
you’ve been doing a lot of your legal work from home.
317
00:17:40,920 –> 00:17:41,610
And so,
318
00:17:41,620 –> 00:17:43,510
so for me,
319
00:17:43,520 –> 00:17:46,550
my expectation unreasonable.
320
00:17:46,560 –> 00:17:47,040
Hey,
321
00:17:47,040 –> 00:17:47,780
you’re home,
322
00:17:47,780 –> 00:17:50,110
you’re available to do home stuff.
323
00:17:50,120 –> 00:17:52,580
And even it’s like okay for dinner.
324
00:17:52,590 –> 00:17:53,520
Your,
325
00:17:53,530 –> 00:17:54,800
when I say,
326
00:17:54,810 –> 00:17:56,210
since I’m cooking dinner,
327
00:17:56,220 –> 00:17:57,980
um often while you’re working,
328
00:17:57,990 –> 00:17:58,450
when I say,
329
00:17:58,450 –> 00:17:59,010
hey,
330
00:17:59,020 –> 00:17:59,800
oh,
331
00:17:59,810 –> 00:18:01,230
it’s such and such a time.
332
00:18:01,230 –> 00:18:01,970
It’s time for dinner.
333
00:18:01,970 –> 00:18:03,690
That’s not a reasonable expectation.
334
00:18:03,690 –> 00:18:04,390
We had to talk about say,
335
00:18:04,390 –> 00:18:04,780
hey,
336
00:18:05,290 –> 00:18:06,340
you’re going to come out to dinner.
337
00:18:06,340 –> 00:18:07,360
We’re gonna have dinner as a family.
338
00:18:07,360 –> 00:18:09,460
That’s an expectation that we’ve set from the,
339
00:18:09,470 –> 00:18:10,280
from the beginning.
340
00:18:10,290 –> 00:18:15,080
But I can’t just expect you to be in the middle of an email soon as I say,
341
00:18:15,080 –> 00:18:15,490
hey,
342
00:18:15,500 –> 00:18:16,560
dinner’s ready,
343
00:18:16,570 –> 00:18:17,410
you should be here.
344
00:18:17,410 –> 00:18:22,320
That’s an unreasonable expectation and I’m speaking a little more harshly than it came came out.
345
00:18:22,320 –> 00:18:23,190
But I was thinking like,
346
00:18:23,190 –> 00:18:25,480
hey jen what’s taking you so long.
347
00:18:25,480 –> 00:18:29,920
And so we had to have that conversation to give you a little bit more leeway to say,
348
00:18:29,920 –> 00:18:30,100
hey,
349
00:18:30,100 –> 00:18:32,120
dinner’s gonna be ready in such and such a time or hey,
350
00:18:32,120 –> 00:18:33,780
I’m calling the kids up to set the table.
351
00:18:33,780 –> 00:18:34,680
So you know,
352
00:18:34,680 –> 00:18:35,250
you’ve got,
353
00:18:35,390 –> 00:18:39,470
I’ve got two or three minutes to wrap up this last thing so that I can go have dinner with my family.
354
00:18:39,470 –> 00:18:39,590
Oh,
355
00:18:39,590 –> 00:18:39,970
certainly.
356
00:18:39,970 –> 00:18:40,700
And sometimes too,
357
00:18:40,700 –> 00:18:41,500
as you know,
358
00:18:41,500 –> 00:18:42,880
sometimes it’s something where it’s like goodness,
359
00:18:42,880 –> 00:18:48,580
I’m trying to comfort a husband or a wife whose spouse just passed away and they’re,
360
00:18:48,580 –> 00:18:54,620
they’re trying to talk things through with me for the estate and I need to be mindful of,
361
00:18:54,640 –> 00:18:54,860
you know,
362
00:18:54,860 –> 00:18:55,330
dinner,
363
00:18:55,330 –> 00:19:00,300
although that’s not going to be ready at exactly the same time every evening.
364
00:19:00,310 –> 00:19:03,540
Although we’re trying to kind of keep to a bit of that schedule,
365
00:19:03,540 –> 00:19:06,380
but just having the understanding and the compassion of,
366
00:19:06,380 –> 00:19:06,590
you know,
367
00:19:06,590 –> 00:19:09,480
jen might need to take a little bit of extra time with this uh,
368
00:19:09,490 –> 00:19:12,980
this individual because they’ve just experienced the death of a spouse.
369
00:19:12,990 –> 00:19:13,850
Absolutely.
370
00:19:14,040 –> 00:19:21,730
And another thing that I think also unreasonable expectations that I think a lot of couples fall into making their spouse an idol,
371
00:19:21,740 –> 00:19:24,930
trying to get your identity,
372
00:19:24,940 –> 00:19:26,420
your purpose,
373
00:19:26,430 –> 00:19:29,720
your security from your spouse rather than from God.
374
00:19:29,730 –> 00:19:31,700
And that’s a big problem because of course there’s,
375
00:19:31,710 –> 00:19:36,980
there’s always going to be things that only God can fill and only be to us and,
376
00:19:36,980 –> 00:19:41,020
and of course you don’t want to do something that would make your spouse feel insecure,
377
00:19:41,020 –> 00:19:45,790
but your spouse can’t be the sole source of your security because that should be in God,
378
00:19:45,800 –> 00:19:48,600
God that should be your your source of provisions.
379
00:19:48,610 –> 00:19:54,840
But obviously we’re working to earn a living to my core identity is who I am in christ.
380
00:19:54,850 –> 00:19:56,840
An aspect of that is being your husband,
381
00:19:56,840 –> 00:19:58,620
which I enjoy quite a lot by the way.
382
00:19:58,630 –> 00:19:59,710
Likewise thank you.
383
00:19:59,720 –> 00:20:03,780
But my core identity is in christ and I’ve got to look to God for that.
384
00:20:03,790 –> 00:20:05,200
You can’t be God,
385
00:20:05,200 –> 00:20:07,200
you are an amazing awesome lawyer.
386
00:20:07,200 –> 00:20:10,590
You’re a wonderful mom and best wife ever.
387
00:20:11,130 –> 00:20:13,830
But you really are really bad at being God.
388
00:20:13,830 –> 00:20:14,050
Yeah.
389
00:20:14,050 –> 00:20:17,300
I’m a lousy jesus and always will be so can’t look,
390
00:20:17,310 –> 00:20:18,380
I can’t look to me for that,
391
00:20:18,380 –> 00:20:18,830
my friend,
392
00:20:18,840 –> 00:20:20,050
unfortunately a lot of us,
393
00:20:20,050 –> 00:20:26,630
especially the way romance and love is betrayed in stories and books and movies and things like that.
394
00:20:26,640 –> 00:20:39,410
People find this identity and this this myth of the soul mate and all these things that their idea identity comes from the relationships that they’re in and that’s that’s idolatry or status from a relationship.
395
00:20:39,420 –> 00:20:44,380
It’s just I think that some of that can be what are the things that can be idols,
396
00:20:44,380 –> 00:20:45,230
What do they,
397
00:20:45,240 –> 00:20:49,290
they falsely seem to say that they’d be able to provide,
398
00:20:49,290 –> 00:20:50,880
but that they can never do it.
399
00:20:50,890 –> 00:20:51,650
Exactly.
400
00:20:51,650 –> 00:20:51,960
Exactly.
401
00:20:51,970 –> 00:20:55,230
So how do we deal with these un expectations?
402
00:20:55,470 –> 00:20:55,980
You know,
403
00:20:55,990 –> 00:21:07,070
I think that the way that that works out is initially you’d have to identify what is that expectation because I know that I’ve had some things pop up where it’s like,
404
00:21:07,070 –> 00:21:07,390
gosh,
405
00:21:07,390 –> 00:21:11,560
I’m I’m upset about this and I’m not exactly sure why.
406
00:21:11,560 –> 00:21:14,960
So I’ve got to kind of put my finger on it and kind of figure out,
407
00:21:14,970 –> 00:21:15,380
you know,
408
00:21:15,380 –> 00:21:16,280
what triggered this,
409
00:21:16,280 –> 00:21:21,400
what got me upset and then I wouldn’t be storming over to you and saying,
410
00:21:21,410 –> 00:21:22,900
oh my goodness brian,
411
00:21:22,910 –> 00:21:23,410
you know,
412
00:21:23,410 –> 00:21:25,040
you really messed this up.
413
00:21:25,040 –> 00:21:29,770
I I’ve got to kind of take a step back and say goodness what upset me and then kind of share with you,
414
00:21:29,780 –> 00:21:30,310
hey,
415
00:21:30,310 –> 00:21:32,490
this really up upset me and this is problematic,
416
00:21:32,500 –> 00:21:36,530
but then you shouldn’t be snapping back at me that I shouldn’t be upset,
417
00:21:36,540 –> 00:21:44,990
You should be listening at that point in time to to just figure out at that point in time what’s converging is my expectations that weren’t met.
418
00:21:45,000 –> 00:21:51,400
And then we’re trying to talk about it and you might then have some expectations that were unmet expectations.
419
00:21:51,400 –> 00:21:52,680
I like to think of expectations,
420
00:21:52,680 –> 00:21:53,340
like your big toe,
421
00:21:53,340 –> 00:21:54,870
now go with me on this all right,
422
00:21:54,880 –> 00:21:56,890
so like your big toe,
423
00:21:57,140 –> 00:21:58,840
you never really think about your big toe,
424
00:21:58,840 –> 00:21:59,540
it’s just there,
425
00:21:59,540 –> 00:22:04,120
It does its job and it’s really good at doing its job until you stub your big toe,
426
00:22:04,130 –> 00:22:07,910
then the only thing you can think about is your big toe because it hurts,
427
00:22:08,170 –> 00:22:08,580
you know,
428
00:22:08,580 –> 00:22:10,090
and it no longer does the job.
429
00:22:10,100 –> 00:22:10,810
So expectations,
430
00:22:10,810 –> 00:22:12,490
I mean I don’t think about them,
431
00:22:12,490 –> 00:22:18,140
they’re just there until it gets stepped on and then all of a sudden that hurts a lot.
432
00:22:18,150 –> 00:22:21,250
And so we got absolutely got to identify the expectation.
433
00:22:21,260 –> 00:22:21,920
Um,
434
00:22:21,930 –> 00:22:26,370
but I would propose that before we even talk to each other about it,
435
00:22:26,380 –> 00:22:28,520
we should figure out why it’s been unmet.
436
00:22:28,530 –> 00:22:29,300
Okay.
437
00:22:29,300 –> 00:22:33,030
So we would then be kind of figuring out why it was unmet,
438
00:22:33,030 –> 00:22:34,280
what didn’t happen?
439
00:22:34,280 –> 00:22:34,730
Right.
440
00:22:34,740 –> 00:22:35,430
Exactly.
441
00:22:35,430 –> 00:22:35,930
I mean,
442
00:22:35,940 –> 00:22:40,820
is this an invoiced unshared or unreasonable expectation?
443
00:22:40,820 –> 00:22:47,710
I think that’s important because if it’s just something that this could be something that I know we,
444
00:22:47,710 –> 00:22:50,690
we share because we’ve talked about things before.
445
00:22:50,700 –> 00:22:56,380
So I know this value of making sure that something is happening in the home,
446
00:22:56,390 –> 00:22:58,400
we share the value on this,
447
00:22:58,410 –> 00:23:00,580
but we didn’t talk about who was going to do this,
448
00:23:00,590 –> 00:23:02,340
this has happened before,
449
00:23:02,340 –> 00:23:02,530
right?
450
00:23:02,530 –> 00:23:02,690
Like,
451
00:23:02,690 –> 00:23:02,920
okay,
452
00:23:02,920 –> 00:23:04,100
who’s going to pick up the kids,
453
00:23:04,100 –> 00:23:04,830
who’s gonna,
454
00:23:04,840 –> 00:23:05,330
you know,
455
00:23:05,340 –> 00:23:07,110
if I thought you were,
456
00:23:07,110 –> 00:23:07,320
No,
457
00:23:07,320 –> 00:23:08,180
I thought you were,
458
00:23:08,190 –> 00:23:13,110
it wasn’t that it was an unshared expectation that things should be done,
459
00:23:13,110 –> 00:23:15,940
but it was unavoidable and that we didn’t know and said,
460
00:23:15,940 –> 00:23:16,250
hey,
461
00:23:16,260 –> 00:23:17,260
I got this or hey,
462
00:23:17,260 –> 00:23:18,220
can you take care of it.
463
00:23:18,230 –> 00:23:22,750
So before we can even really go to each other and figure and discuss,
464
00:23:22,760 –> 00:23:23,320
um,
465
00:23:23,330 –> 00:23:27,690
the expectation that wasn’t that we got to know why because it may be,
466
00:23:27,700 –> 00:23:45,240
I’ve got to come to you and apologize to you for being frustrated at you because you didn’t do what I didn’t tell you that I wanted you to do and it just seems like that spouse would have just worked themselves into a tip either just for and the other spouse would have just had no clue.
467
00:23:45,240 –> 00:23:50,430
No idea that there was any kind of an issue at all just because they didn’t know,
468
00:23:50,430 –> 00:23:53,230
they didn’t know what they didn’t know exactly exactly.
469
00:23:53,230 –> 00:23:58,910
And so I think once you’ve identified the expectation determined why it was unmet,
470
00:23:58,920 –> 00:24:03,600
then that’s when we discussed the expectation with you and this is how we do it all the time between us,
471
00:24:03,600 –> 00:24:03,870
right?
472
00:24:03,870 –> 00:24:04,200
It’s like,
473
00:24:04,200 –> 00:24:04,720
okay,
474
00:24:05,190 –> 00:24:08,710
now we’ve got to discuss this because if we don’t discuss it,
475
00:24:08,720 –> 00:24:14,270
then we’re just setting ourselves up to be hurt or frustrated or angry all over again.
476
00:24:14,830 –> 00:24:15,680
And so yeah,
477
00:24:15,690 –> 00:24:16,710
so identify it,
478
00:24:16,720 –> 00:24:24,080
determine why it was unmet and then discuss the expectation if you didn’t get a chance to listen to our first podcast on conflict resolution,
479
00:24:24,080 –> 00:24:33,910
take a listen to that because we talk about how to have these conversations because oftentimes these are going to be conflict and conflict when handled in a healthy way is very good.
480
00:24:34,300 –> 00:24:39,200
And so we have to discuss these and then together decide how we’ll move forward.
481
00:24:39,210 –> 00:24:44,240
I think that that’s an important thing and I what’s unfortunate I had heard from a client at one juncture.
482
00:24:44,250 –> 00:24:44,920
Well,
483
00:24:44,930 –> 00:24:45,410
you know,
484
00:24:45,410 –> 00:24:47,400
I just don’t have any expectations.
485
00:24:47,400 –> 00:24:48,730
So I won’t be disappointed,
486
00:24:48,730 –> 00:24:53,880
But even then she’s going to have some expectations nevertheless,
487
00:24:53,890 –> 00:24:57,730
um even if she’s kind of setting the bar low there.
488
00:24:57,730 –> 00:25:10,060
So um dealing with these un expectation is is a very important thing to do so that you can make sure that this doesn’t become a problem for your marriage.
489
00:25:10,070 –> 00:25:23,770
Something that brian and I looked at when we were writing our book was that passage from Song of Solomon that talks about catch the little foxes who are ruining the vineyard back in Biblical times.
490
00:25:23,780 –> 00:25:39,440
Certainly the Israelite people were viewing them as pests and it’s going to be a lot easier to get this little baby pest out of there versus they grow into these full blown huge animal foxes to to weed those out.
491
00:25:39,450 –> 00:25:41,040
Deal with the problems early.
492
00:25:41,040 –> 00:25:41,750
That’s huge.
493
00:25:41,750 –> 00:25:42,240
And that’s I mean,
494
00:25:42,240 –> 00:25:45,230
that’s why I put that in the forward of the book because it gets,
495
00:25:45,240 –> 00:25:46,010
it gets dicey.
496
00:25:46,010 –> 00:25:48,510
Those things those little foxes eat and eat meat,
497
00:25:48,520 –> 00:25:50,290
they get big and this idea of,
498
00:25:50,290 –> 00:25:50,440
oh,
499
00:25:50,440 –> 00:25:52,150
I just have no expectations.
500
00:25:52,160 –> 00:25:54,300
Life doesn’t work that way.
501
00:25:54,360 –> 00:25:54,750
Truth.
502
00:25:54,760 –> 00:25:56,370
I think that’s very true.
503
00:25:56,370 –> 00:26:00,270
So with the the the un expectations that you have,
504
00:26:00,280 –> 00:26:00,490
you know,
505
00:26:00,490 –> 00:26:00,770
what are,
506
00:26:00,770 –> 00:26:01,640
what are they?
507
00:26:01,650 –> 00:26:03,590
How does that work for you?
508
00:26:03,600 –> 00:26:20,160
And then realized to the expectations are often going to be normal and healthy and your unmet expectations are very often going to be those that are un voiced because they’re not communicated their unshared because our presumed norms are going to be different.
509
00:26:20,160 –> 00:26:34,080
They come out of sometimes they’re going to be very unreasonable to but it’s important to to deal with those un expectations and and determine how you’re going to go forward and go ahead and identify that expectation.
510
00:26:34,090 –> 00:26:36,230
Figure out why it was unmet.
511
00:26:36,240 –> 00:26:47,740
Then discuss that expectation with your spouse and then determine how you’re going to move forward and in handling that issue and and hopefully be able to minimize that kind of conflict on a going forward basis.
512
00:26:48,510 –> 00:26:51,520
We have another opportunity for you to help your marriage thrive.
513
00:26:51,530 –> 00:26:56,450
We are hosting a special intensive marriage retreat at the beautiful richard bush renewal center in michigan.
514
00:26:56,490 –> 00:27:02,740
This is an opportunity for us to spend time with you personally developing the skills that will help your marriage thrive.
515
00:27:02,750 –> 00:27:05,920
We’ll talk about enhancing communication skills,
516
00:27:05,930 –> 00:27:08,800
conflict resolution and building intimacy in your marriage.
517
00:27:08,960 –> 00:27:13,160
As an added bonus podcast listeners will receive a 10% discount.
518
00:27:13,300 –> 00:27:16,490
All you have to do is mention the operation thriving marriage podcast.
519
00:27:16,490 –> 00:27:19,540
When you register this retreat is limited to only nine couples.
520
00:27:19,540 –> 00:27:21,960
So make sure you register soon for more information,
521
00:27:21,970 –> 00:27:24,200
contact us at our website operation,
522
00:27:24,200 –> 00:27:25,640
thriving marriage dot com.