Operation: Thriving Marriage

Bryon and Jennifer Harvey

argue

How Much Do We Have to Agree?

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A few weeks ago in a conversation with a friend, the topic of Roe v. Wade came up. As we talked about the US Supreme Court’s decision, he asked me if I was going to address it here. I told him no. I didn’t see how this particular decision was relevant to building a thriving marriage.

Yes, I know that this is a huge cultural shift in the United States. I know that this affects thousands of people as they wrestle with decisions before them and in their past. I know that the decision is significant, but I didn’t see it as specifically relevant to what we do here.

My friend pointed out to me that there is something about this decision that should probably be addressed here.

What if you and your spouse disagree about the Supreme Court’s decision? What if you disagree about other significant issues? How do you have a thriving marriage when you disagree on things that one or both of you think are important.

These emotionally charged issues can be significant struggles in a marriage. In some cases such disagreements cause couples to question the health of their marriage.  I’ve even heard of couples considering divorce because they felt they could not live with someone who disagrees on such an important issue.

So what should you do when you find yourselves disagreeing on issues that you feel are important? How do you manage these intense emotional conflicts?

  1. Remember your marriage is more important than whatever the issue is that you are facing. 

This does not mean that the issue you are facing is unimportant. It means that you have to correctly prioritize the issue and your marriage. In the end, your marriage is a greater priority than this argument. Even arguments over doctrine carry a lower priority than your marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, Paul tells believing men and women not to divorce their unbelieving spouses. Our commitment before God to our spouses is one of the highest commitments we have ever made. We must maintain it as a priority.

  1. It is not your job to change your spouse’s mind.

We often say that marriage is about holiness not happiness. Time and time again we emphasize that your spouse is there to make you more holy. It is easy to think in these cases that our role is to convince our spouse of our side because our position is clearly the godly one. We even have Scripture to back up our position. What happens when your spouse is equally convinced that their position is the godly one and they have Scripture to back it up? This quickly becomes a me against you proposition rather than a Team Marriage approach. Which one do you think builds unity in a thriving marriage?

Here’s the thing. Holiness isn’t what you think. It’s what you do. No, I’m not saying you earn salvation by what you do. Salvation was earned for you by Jesus and what he did on the cross. The only thing you can do is put your faith in Him. Once you have received that salvation, though, you grow in holiness, not in doctrinal correctness, but in living a godly life. God made you holy through the washing of Jesus’ shed blood. You grow in that holiness by how you live in light of that reality. In these cases of intense disagreement, you help each other grow in holiness not by convincing your spouse of your side, but by loving each other through the disagreement.

  1. Never stop loving.

The rulers, powers, and spiritual forces of darkness want to destroy your marriage (Eph 6:12, John 10:10). They want to undo the work that God is doing in and through you. They will use these conflicts to attempt to put a wedge between you and create distrust in your marriage. But, the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world and he has come to give you life to the fullest (1 John 4:4, John 10:10). The Holy Spirit can use this same conflict to teach you how to love each other when you disagree. As you learn this deeper love it will bring you closer together and build greater oneness in your marriage. This love will be a testimony to the world of the power of God. The world does not understand how to live together in peace and disagreement. The impulse to separate and form different communities based on thoughts and opinions is of the devil. The power of God brings differences together and says His love and power is greater than all.

In your marriage there will be conflict. You will disagree. In the midst of this conflict you will strengthen your marriage if you prioritize your marriage, do not demand that your spouse change their mind, and never stop loving them.

Disagreeing About the Big Things

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Last week in a conversation with a friend, the topic of Roe v. Wade came up. As we talked about the US Supreme Court’s decision, he asked me if I was going to address it here. I told him no. I didn’t see how this particular decision was relevant to building a thriving marriage.

Yes, I know that this is a huge cultural shift in the United States. I know that this affects thousands of people as they wrestle with decisions before them and in their past. I know that the decision is significant, but I didn’t see it as specifically relevant to what we do here.

My friend pointed out to me that there is something about this decision that should probably be addressed here.

What if you and your spouse disagree about the Supreme Court’s decision? What if you disagree about other significant issues? How do you have a thriving marriage when you disagree on things that one or both of you think are important.

These emotionally charged issues can be significant struggles in a marriage. In some cases such disagreements cause couples to question the health of their marriage.  I’ve even heard of couples considering divorce because they felt they could not live with someone who disagrees on such an important issue.

So what should you do when you find yourselves disagreeing on issues that you feel are important? How do you manage these intense emotional conflicts?

  1. Remember your marriage is more important than whatever the issue is that you are facing. 

This does not mean that the issue you are facing is unimportant. It means that you have to correctly prioritize the issue and your marriage. In the end, your marriage is a greater priority than this argument. Even arguments over doctrine carry a lower priority than your marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-14, Paul tells believing men and women not to divorce their unbelieving spouses. Our commitment before God to our spouses is one of the highest commitments we have ever made. We must maintain it as a priority.

  1. It is not your job to change your spouse’s mind.

We often say that marriage is about holiness not happiness. Time and time again we emphasize that your spouse is there to make you more holy. It is easy to think in these cases that our role is to convince our spouse of our side because our position is clearly the godly one. We even have Scripture to back up our position. What happens when your spouse is equally convinced that their position is the godly one and they have Scripture to back it up? This quickly becomes a me against you proposition rather than a Team Marriage approach. Which one do you think builds unity in a thriving marriage?

Here’s the thing. Holiness isn’t what you think. It’s what you do. No, I’m not saying you earn salvation by what you do. Salvation was earned for you by Jesus and what he did on the cross. The only thing you can do is put your faith in Him. Once you have received that salvation, though, you grow in holiness, not in doctrinal correctness, but in living a godly life. God made you holy through the washing of Jesus’ shed blood. You grow in that holiness by how you live in light of that reality. In these cases of intense disagreement, you help each other grow in holiness not by convincing your spouse of your side, but by loving each other through the disagreement.

  1. Never stop loving.

The rulers, powers, and spiritual forces of darkness want to destroy your marriage (Eph 6:12, John 10:10). They want to undo the work that God is doing in and through you. They will use these conflicts to attempt to put a wedge between you and create distrust in your marriage. But, the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world and he has come to give you life to the fullest (1 John 4:4, John 10:10). The Holy Spirit can use this same conflict to teach you how to love each other when you disagree. As you learn this deeper love it will bring you closer together and build greater oneness in your marriage. This love will be a testimony to the world of the power of God. The world does not understand how to live together in peace and disagreement. The impulse to separate and form different communities based on thoughts and opinions is of the devil. The power of God brings differences together and says His love and power is greater than all.

In your marriage there will be conflict. You will disagree. In the midst of this conflict you will strengthen your marriage if you prioritize your marriage, do not demand that your spouse change their mind, and never stop loving them.

Who’s The Boss: Dealing With the Struggle for Control

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Back in the 80’s there was a popular sitcom starring Tony Danza and Judith Light called Who’s the Boss. If you’re my age you might not remember Judith Light but you certainly remember Alyssa Milano. For a lot of us, she was our first TV crush. The comedy of the show revolved around the non-tradional gender roles of the successful career woman working outside the home and the male housekeeper. This of course included struggles for control between the two. 

Struggles for control between men and women at home are a pretty common device in sitcoms. Watching these struggles makes for some pretty entertaining television. These same sorts of struggles, while common in marriages, are far from entertaining. These struggles can create conflicts that when not handled well can create significant problems in a marriage.

It helps when dealing with struggles for control to remember why these struggles exist in the first place. The first reason we struggle for control is our own sin. The foundation of our sin and all the sins we commit is pride. In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis says, “According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.” The first and primary reason we struggle for control is our pride, our sin. We want things to be as we imagine or desire them to be. When things are not so, we fight to gain that control.

The second cause of the struggle for control is, of course, the sin of your spouse. The same pride that lives in us lives in them. The same desire to control situations and outcomes that lives in us, lives in them. Two people with the same desire to have things their way are guaranteed to experience conflict. 

Once we know the cause of the struggle for control, the solution becomes clear. Both spouses must relinquish control in their marriage to Jesus. This sounds simple, but we all know how difficult it is to consistently submit ourselves to Jesus. Even Paul in Romans chapter 7 shared his struggles with consistently submitting to Jesus.

There are a couple of specific things in marriage that will help you overcome the struggle for control. The first is a change in attitude. To stop fighting for control in your marriage, stop thinking that you should be in control. “Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself” (Phillippians 2:3). “You should have the same attitude toward one another that Christ Jesus had, who though he existed in the form of God did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself by taking on the form of a slave, by looking like other men, and by sharing in human nature. He humbled himself to the point of death – even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:5-8). This change in attitude can have a very quick effect on the quality of your marriage. When you choose to stop trying to be in control, you will stop fighting for control. 

Relinquishing your desire for control in this way requires a huge amount of trust. How much do you really trust God to meet all of your needs? Your ability to relinquish control in your marriage will tell you a lot about how much you truly trust God.

A change in attitude will help stop the struggle for control. The second change is a change in action. Submit to your spouse. Paul tells spouses in Ephesian 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Did you notice why you should submit to one another? It’s not because your spouse deserves your submission. It’s not because one of you is less than the other. It is because of Jesus. Out of reverence for the one who died for you and now reigns over all you should submit to each other. Submitting to each other eliminates the struggle for control in your marriage.

Submitting to each other also requires a great amount of trust. It requires that you trust your spouse to not take advantage of your submission. It requires that you trust that your spouse is going to put equal effort into maintaining the strength of your marriage. But then, that’s what marriage is, isn’t it? It is trusting another person to live a godly life where you both work to build a relationship that honors God and represents his love to the world around you.

Who’s the boss? Jesus is. In light of that, serve and submit to one another and you will overcome the struggle for control in your marriage.